I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just threw up on my dentist
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
