What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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