i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I AM VODKA MAN
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
