My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
