I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
