I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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