if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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