how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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