And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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