The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
