i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
