I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize