and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
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