my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
