Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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