I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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