I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
