the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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