Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize
