It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I feel great
I just peed on a car
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
