Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
4 words: hood of his car
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
