Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
