You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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