She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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