the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
