she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
