I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
