I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
