I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
