Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
