Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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