so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize
