you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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