I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
