omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
