Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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