Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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