I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
