Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
