fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
this boner is exhausting
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
