he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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