I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
