just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
