you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
