Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
