Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
