I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
