fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
