spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
