i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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