The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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