Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
