turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
