I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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