You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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