I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Never underestimate the power of titties
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
