This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
