omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
