Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I didn't notice because vodka
My penis needs a shock collar
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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