people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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